Monday, June 11, 2012

Disappointment wrapped in a bow

I have so much to say, but yet nothing to say at the same time. Currently, My husband is in texas trying to locate us a new house. I just completed week 31 of this pregnancy with Samuel Duane. I was soo excited about going to kansas and feeling like i belonged somewhere. to feel like i was important to more than just my husband and one or two other people. To not feel judged when i dont know how to act in certain social situations due to my PTSD.

Well, Last friday i fell down my stairs, i pulled the muscle behind my right knee It was painful, I still fought through the pain and attempted to do a craft booth at depot days. Only sold four bars of soap, quite disappointing. there were no customers. It was prob because there were sooo many bigger carnivals and such going on at the same time. But i poured in about $150 into getting all the fine tuning and setting up done. which was a waste. had to pay $30 for the booth section. After being distraught over that, I decided not to do the last day, which it looked like most of the people decided not to do the last day for the craft show.

I talked to my husband on the phone and he expressed concern for my trip to kansas. It was not an easy decision. I wanted to go to my 10 year class reunion, I want to do something that is a traditional american celebration. I have not had any. But my husband was right, with my fall and the point in the pregnancy which we are in, it isnt a good idea that I risk it. So many tears, much fustration, and with a constant feeling of lonliness surrounding me, I broke the news to my mom, and she helped me break the news to everyone else.

I absolutely HATE asking for help, it is one of the hardest things i have had to face in adulthood. I have been very independant my whole life. And since I got out of the military in 06 it has been extreamly hard for me to feel accepted in any aspect of my life. The feeling of being paranoid around large groups, feeling like they are stairing and talking about you when you know they are not, but your body is not listening to your brain. The feeling of being socially ackward.

Some days are better, and I feel like i can relax a little, but those are becomming fewer and fewer in existance.

In the last ten years...

May 2002 - I graduated high school
August 2002 - Graduated Basic Training at fort Jackson, SC
October 2002 - Graduated AIT in fort lee va
November 2002 - arrived in germany for my first duty station.
**everything went down hill from this point for a while.**
April 2003 - recieved 23 neg councelings from the military, went into a deep depression, felt alone and trapped in my own skin.
May 2003 deployed to kosovo
Aug 2003 Return from kosovo
Feb 2004 Deployed to Iraq
November 2004 - Met my husband waiting for a flight out of kuwait
Feb 2005 - Returned from Iraq, No one there to welcome me, just left the united families and sat in my barracks room.
May 2005 PCS'd from Germany had to report to Ft. Hood, TX
June 10, 2005 Got married justice of peace. found out 3 days later we were expecting.
June 17, 2005 Turned 21, worked from 6pm to midnight. went home.
June 18, 2005 drove my new husband to the airport to go back to iraq.
Late in June, 2005 - Miscarried.
Feb 2006 found out we were expecting again
July 2006 honorablly discharged from the military. Chose to get out due to a comment made from my CMDR telling people my due date didnt add up to when my husband was home.
July 2006 moved to Amboy, IL
Aug 2006 got to move into our new house
October 2006 gave birth to our oldest. Husband was still overseas.
the year 2007 found out we were expecting our next child, nathan still working overseas.
July 11, 2008 - Gave girth to my 2nd son Demitrius,
July 12, 2009 - Demitrius started turning blue, found out he has a heart condition. he was shipped to two different hospitals before i was discharged. Nathan made it home for his delivery.
July 17, 2008 - Demitrius had his first open heart surgery.
December 22, 2008 Demitrius had his 2nd open heart surgery. He was discharged two days later, his aunt Marissa, and his uncle shawn came to see him when he was in the hospital.
the year 2009 was pretty quiet.
September 2010 participated in EBV program, Entreprenureship bootcamp for vets with disabilities program.
later in september 2010 - Demitrius had is third open heart surgery - he was only accompanied by his parents and brother when permitted.
Dec 2011 found out we were pregnant again. Some people very upset we chose to have another child, some comments from blood relation was out of line. but really shouldnt expect more.
PRESENT - currently 7 1/2 months pregnant and about to move to Texas.

If you actually took time to read through the timeline, I shared my high school graduation ceremony with my cousin melissa, no one bought me a drink for turning 21, even though i couldnt drink it. Due to nathan leaving for iraq and after living in teh barracks in germany I refused to live in the barracks, so we got married since we knew it would happen anyways, no wedding planning, no bridal shower, no batchlorette party, after being pregnant with my boys, I never had a baby shower, Never had a house welcoming gift. Never really celebrated a birthday since i was like 16.

This trip to kansas that got cancelled, I am not going to lie, I was throwing myself a baby shower. The person that I thought wanted to do it, didnt have time to help with it since she was helping a friend get ready for her bridal shower and wedding. I spent $300 on supplies on my own baby shower, to have it cancelled. $300 that could of gone to things that we need for the baby. But it is too late now, I will have to get the necessities next month from my Va disability check.

Looking back, I try to be a giving, loving, caring person. yet I must be doing something wrong, I must not be friend material. I am constantly finding myself walking down a hall with nothing but locked doors on either side.

When I fell down the stairs the other day, i was stuck for like 5 min. I couldnt move. I had my phone in my hand, i went down the list and called everyone i could think of. I reached voicemail after voicemail after voicemail. I had one person text me back and asked what I needed, I texted them and let them know what happened. there was no empathy the response was "Im at work". There was no, are you okay? did you go to the dr? ect. It was me with a useless phone in my hand, stuck on the stairs with my two boys in the tub, unable to move. I was in tears, mostly from pain, but from hurt and disappointment too.

I am just patiently awaing the day when someone things i am special enough to go out of the way to make me feel special. But the day never has come, and prob never will. I am a stay at home mom with mental issues from being in the military, I seem to have a lack of being able to connect with people which has now turned into no trust for anyone. My grandma sue, My mom, and My friend Sherrie have been my go to people for everything. Asking for help makes me feel like i am incapable of doing things myself. and in all sense, a failure.

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